8 years old. I was an eight-year-old kid when I was finally diagnosed with Server Depression. And as I write this down, I can already feel the fight in me to put it down to paper. I don’t wish to hide it, I wish to acknowledge and share my journey, but it certainly won’t be easy typing it out.
Life was a struggle for me, and for my family, in the 80s and 90s we still stood on the edge of understanding what these diseases were and how to deal with them. Even now in the 20s we are scattered in how to handle it.
Depression has absolutely altered every aspect of my life and always will, but I was so lucky to have found my miracle medication. Before that, I truly had no understanding of how normal people lived, what it was like to be content, at least for some portion of a person's day, instead of wading in constant misery.
Little did I know that this curse would turn out to be one of my greatest gifts when putting pen to paper, or in my case finger to keyboard. I have ridden my emotions on a rollercoaster too dangerous to build, the highest of highs, tortured by the lowest of lows. A tiring game of keeping your head above water and doing anything you can to keep from drowning. It certainly gives one a large variety of the human condition to expand on.
I believe it gives us a unique view into the world, into people, and their emotions. Tapping into things others cannot even fathom. Hint those people are our closest friends, the ones who can't even imagine the darkness. It is in their light that we are happy and jealous of such wondrous ignorance. The beauty of not knowing.
I also believe we gain an advantage in the stories we choose to create and write, sending our readers into deep territory of self-thought and awareness. At the same time, we also have a dark understanding of the other side of things, the unmentionable things which shock and destroy, we see what lies beneath that. And it is sad and unforgiving.
Maybe you understand better yourself now, treading the line of life and death all the while wearing that smile, it does give us a lot to write about. From all I have seen, done and dared to dream, my depression has been a part of that, and a great part of everything I write. So much of myself goes into those pages, as I’m sure most of you can relate, and it was what held me back when I finished ‘Bloom of the Desert Rose.’ I tried to do what Elsa said but spent more than 3 years with the completed manuscript on my computer, unable to let it go.
Many authors can relate I’m sure, the time, effort, dedication and heart you put into the work you make it special, and a part of you. It is scary to let that part of you go off into the harshness and reality of the world. Thinking of that rollercoaster. But I knew what I had was special, I knew my novel would be something which would stay with them, linger and resonate. I wanted to share that part of myself.
So, I will continue to write my stories and bring out the best and worst parts of human experiences. To put those emotions, beautiful and ugly, to the pages of my next story. And to climb that hill every day, even if it is only an inch.
Thank you, Afton Feltham
“Bloom of the Desert Rose”
Available on Amazon Now
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